Klassy Fucker

People who say “What Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” 100% had nothing happen to them in Vegas.

Here’s most people’s exact night:

1. Bought Drinks at Hotel Bar.

2. Lost $300 at Blackjack

3. Tried to get into a Club, didn’t

4. Ended up at a Strip Club spend $200

5. Back at hotel, lose $500 on Craps

6. ATM Machine, get $1000

7. Call escort company from Yellow pages.

8. Toothless Blay Jay from some skank.

Vegas can be whatever you want it to be. It’s really more of a foil or a veneer than it is an actual place. It’s set up to play to your senses, giving you a visual boner, that you little person from some no name town are going to somehow fly in on your own dime, beat the system and end up with hot models and toss hand grenades off the balcony of your hotel suite. NOPE.

I was in vegas this weekend, it was Epic but here’s some tricks.

1. Never Gamble, Ever. People will tell you they win…they don’t.

2. Want to meet women (no hooker women) DRESS. No Tapout Tee’s or jeans, dress up, buy drinks, get a table (anyone can BTW)

3. Want to get into a club? If you are a group of 10+ guys, honestly go fuck yourself. Do you think you have a chance? No way. If you want in you MUST get Bottle/Table service.

4. Table Service at a club - Sounds like a scam, and it is but DO IT. Nothing attracts loose trim faster than overpriced Absolut and Glass Carafes of Cranberry Juice.

5. Find a girl you like at a Vegas Club? Do your homework. Is she too hot? Hooker. Are her boobs too big? Hooker/Dancer. She there with a group of girls? Go For it. She there with a Bachelorette party? Move on Dot Org.

6. Pull a bird. This is a challenge. Making out on the dance floor means nothing, you leave that bird alone for one moment and she’ll have her tongue up some Guido’s tail piper faster than ever. MAN UP! If it’s after 1am GAME ON, tell the bird all the dirty things you want to do to her, then pause. Kiss her and say “let’s get the fuck out of here” Adrenaline racing, get your condoms ready….you’re about to have wild Vegas sex.

7. The Hotel Room Sexing - Never rook out and bunk with a mate, rooms are $99 be man and get your own room. When you get the bird to your room, don’t lose momentum, she does not want to watch TV, she does not want to see the view, she wants to fuck. So pick up where you left off. Start skinning that cat, clothes off and face down ass up! The end scene should be a room that looks like the beginning of a CSI episode, more DNA less blood. ;)

8. The Exit - If you’re in her room, easy. Go for a round 2 then slip on out of there champ. Make sure you got all your shit, cause there a high probability you WILL NOT remember her name or the room number you were just in. If she’s in your room,  look at your phone and say “My mates are coming, can we hook up tomorrow? give my your number” then go take a shower and rinse that sexing off you.

9. NEVER REPEAT! No matter how great last nights sexing was, never ever hook up with the same bird as the last night. I know it seems easy, it’s not. The sex will be 1/2 as good (unless it’s her and her friend)

10. The Threesome. The only way to pull this one off without paying for it, is drugs or girls who are sharing a room. It’s honestly as simple as that. Threesome’s don’t just magically happen like they do in the pornos.

So you’ve got the facts, don’t be stupid and follow these simple steps and you’ll cum again and again to Vegas.