Klassy Fucker

So you’re tired of your real world friends judging you, your family commenting on your edgy Facebook status’s and guys not noticing you at bars?

Become a Twitter Slut.

It’s easy, put up an AVI like this one.

Now you’re half way there. Guys will follow just about anything with tits. Ready for part 2? The Twitter name & back story…..

Go with something like like “Sassy Sucker” or something about the massive daddy issues you have or the type of submissive sex you like. Trust me, it’s cat nip to these pussy chasing one armed Twitter lurkers (one armed….get it? Cause one arm is on the keyboard and one arm is on his…..yup)

@Sassy-Sucker

About: My daddy taught me that naughty girls have all the fun - Again, Twitter Slut Gold.

Now you need some Twitpics like these help you seal the deal that you’re bored and all you do is take Instagram photos of how bored and hot your are.

Twitter Slut Rule #6 - Always post a photo and ask a question as if your seriously low self esteem can’t get any lower like “I sent these to my ex boyfriend and he said I needed to lose 20 pounds, what do you guys think?’ - GOLD!

Or this one:

“This photo basically sums up everything that turns me on, omg i’m such a dirty slut” See what we did there, we said “Slut!” Gold! I’m telling you Twitter Gold!

Then start tweeting some of these gems:

“I’m in a “make-out-with-everyone-in-sight” kinda mood tonight”

“Just walked by a building and realized I’ve had sex in 8 different apartments”

“Got my nails done, waxed and hair blown out….Plans cancelled! No way I’m not letting someone fuck this tonight.”

“Is Triple Anal too much?”

I’m telling you, you’ll have millions of followers in no time cause Sluts always win all the time. It’s the truth and you know it. So go be a slut in real life or just on Twitter. Be safe and always wear a slut sleeve!

Have a favorite Twitter slut? Leave it in the comments section and happy slutting!

Music is still as important as ever….it’s just evolved.

Music sets the mood for your life. It’s the DNA of a moment. Think back to concerts you’ve been to or 1st makeouts. You always remember who was playing.

The days are drawing in, the leaves have fallen - it’s official - summer’s over and winter’s knocking on the door.

Fear not, here’s some amazing music recommendations that will for sure keep you warm these cold nights. So find a hot or Morally Casual pal and turn these tunes on caution: Hot sensual times ahead.

Atlas Genius - Amazing new Australian band. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHjbHhEFOS4

Bombay Bicycle Club - One of my favorite bands has a new album out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vglxk3JbHnQ

Atrak is one of the most skilled DJ’s out there. He’s not like some of the Dub Step guys like Skrillex (who’s music sounds like 2 Transformers fucking) Here’s a live set http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCjJVZct7ts

Looking for fun Party Music? Try Two Door Cinema Club - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXwYJyrKK5A

How about something that’s complex and really takes some advanced listening powers? try neon indian polish girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Q_JwOqko4

So keep warm this season, fuck many, and listen to some amazing music, create new sexy moments set to your own soundtrack.

We all love hooking up, we really do. It’s so fun. The thrill of the hunt, the bar room make out! 

In this technology ridden society, people have forgotten some of the foundation protocols of the perfect hook up. Well, I’m here to help.

The Bar Pick Up:

You’re out with your Guys / Girls. You have a “Stop N’ Chat” it’s perfect. It lines up like this. You’re ordering a drink or walking by on your way to bathroom etc. The Bar “get a drink” is easy you both having something immediately in common….you need a drink. Easy. The girl will always get to order before you, so say “you order I’ll buy” now you’re teamed up, common goal. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose. Pop your name once you’ve bought the drinks then say, “I’m with some friends you should come over” she may or may not. It’s all good. You have a seed in the soil for the evening.

The Bump. This is a classic move, it seems like a dick move but see a pretty girl coming towards you, run into her. Literally. You’d be surprised how the cheesy Rom Com movies have this right. The energy, chemistry of touch is powerful. You apologize, offer to buy her a drink. Smile, it’s a moment. Then later in the evening, you have a connection when she’s drunk and horny.

The Dance Man - Girls love to dance, they get some drinks in them and they dance. It’s a clear sign she’s ready to fuck. American men don’t dance, or are too concerned with what their pals will think. You are missing a MASSIVE opportunity. If you do venture out on the dance floor, be sure to have a partner in mind. No girl likes to see the LONE WOLF / solo dancing guy, it’s sad. So target set move in and dance with her. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

The Exit - This is where a great Pro Tip comes in. You must do a “Kiss Check” before you ask her to leave. It can be a little kiss on the cheek or lips, it’s that moment where you know if she’s DTF (down to fuck) you’ll feel the Chemistry flow and know your exit is golden. Girls don’t want to come off as sluts, (they are and so are we!) so they need a pathetic “buyable” excuse to go home with you. So here’s some great ones:

1. I’m starving you want to get something to eat?

2. Sounds Dumb but gold…Let’s go watch that movie (helps if you chatted fav movies earlier in the night)

3. Direct: I’m heading home, I and I really want you to come too, no expectations (bullshit!)

Move to Sexy time. You’ve known this girl 45 min and you both know why you’re going back to your place and I’ll be honest if your not making out in the CAB or she’s not blowing you on the ride home you’re going to have to warm her up again at your place. More drinks are perfect, some food, or putting on some music make the mood. DO NOT LIGHT A CANDLE, more importantly your a dude with candles. This girl is doing math in her head, “Any roommates going to walk in? Is he going to rape me, is he going to call me tomororw, is he boyfriend material, is his cock small” So take charge here. Calm her, kiss her, get her in the mood. Foreplay!

POST SEX - Do not jump up right after and go take that SHAME SHOWER, you’ll want to. But don’t. If she faked cumming, you can say something amazing like “Can I finish you off?” go down on that bird! You’ll be surprised, 99% of women on a random hook up DID NOT CUM, so they’ll be into it.

EXIT - This is the tricky part, hell masters like me even have problems exiting a girl. The general rule is 15 min post cum. So a great move is the shower. You both get in, give a nice review “That was so hot” this might lead to a round 2, but often once done, you both get dressed. It’s the perfect non verbal cue to GTFO (get the fuck out) if not you’ve got to say something unless you want a sleep over. (please note she has no toothbrush, no makeup remover, no PRODUCTS) BAD IDEA. Convince her if she’s not already out the door, get her number, and exit her.

POST TXT - Great way to avoid the next day call? TXT 45 min after the sex and just say “SO FUN!”

Now before you go to bed, know that you’re a winner. Congrats! Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

The Hurricane is coming, and where is the eye of the storm? Right over Hypsterville aka Brooklyn. Even though Hurricane Irene was downgraded it could still prove to pull substantial ratings, and even better survival hipster stories.

Hipsterism is about independent thought, shunning of mainstream preferences, counterculture, and progressive politics. Hipsters like to perceive themselves as being highly creative (nope), intelligent (Liberal Arts college smart), thoughtful (translation self centered), and witty (if by witty you mean ironic). Rejecting common fads and instead exclusively shopping at Thrift stores and Truck Stops.   AKA pretentious fucktards.

With a hurricane hitting NYC I’m looking forward to the Hipster Hurricane Survival Stories like:

1. I ran out of Polaroid film
2. My Dog committed suicide. But I’m not judging…
3. My Record player was lost in the storm
4. 1980’s Ski Vest got water stains
5. Was actually homeless not just dressed like one
6. My Record player was lost in the storm
7. My Spirit Hood was destroyed.
8. Two Words “Warm PBR”
9. My Sigur Ross sleeping bag was damaged
10. 72 Hour zooey deschanel or emily deschanel ended in a draw
11. Oversized glasses were scratched, in 2 places!
12. My giant bike was dented.
13. Turned out my hooded hoodie was ilequipped to handle actual rain

Net net, the Hipster Survivor stories are going to be epic. Are they homeless or are they Hipsters? You can judge them.

Hurricane Irene 8/28/11 NEVER FORGET

People who say “What Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” 100% had nothing happen to them in Vegas.

Here’s most people’s exact night:

1. Bought Drinks at Hotel Bar.

2. Lost $300 at Blackjack

3. Tried to get into a Club, didn’t

4. Ended up at a Strip Club spend $200

5. Back at hotel, lose $500 on Craps

6. ATM Machine, get $1000

7. Call escort company from Yellow pages.

8. Toothless Blay Jay from some skank.

Vegas can be whatever you want it to be. It’s really more of a foil or a veneer than it is an actual place. It’s set up to play to your senses, giving you a visual boner, that you little person from some no name town are going to somehow fly in on your own dime, beat the system and end up with hot models and toss hand grenades off the balcony of your hotel suite. NOPE.

I was in vegas this weekend, it was Epic but here’s some tricks.

1. Never Gamble, Ever. People will tell you they win…they don’t.

2. Want to meet women (no hooker women) DRESS. No Tapout Tee’s or jeans, dress up, buy drinks, get a table (anyone can BTW)

3. Want to get into a club? If you are a group of 10+ guys, honestly go fuck yourself. Do you think you have a chance? No way. If you want in you MUST get Bottle/Table service.

4. Table Service at a club - Sounds like a scam, and it is but DO IT. Nothing attracts loose trim faster than overpriced Absolut and Glass Carafes of Cranberry Juice.

5. Find a girl you like at a Vegas Club? Do your homework. Is she too hot? Hooker. Are her boobs too big? Hooker/Dancer. She there with a group of girls? Go For it. She there with a Bachelorette party? Move on Dot Org.

6. Pull a bird. This is a challenge. Making out on the dance floor means nothing, you leave that bird alone for one moment and she’ll have her tongue up some Guido’s tail piper faster than ever. MAN UP! If it’s after 1am GAME ON, tell the bird all the dirty things you want to do to her, then pause. Kiss her and say “let’s get the fuck out of here” Adrenaline racing, get your condoms ready….you’re about to have wild Vegas sex.

7. The Hotel Room Sexing - Never rook out and bunk with a mate, rooms are $99 be man and get your own room. When you get the bird to your room, don’t lose momentum, she does not want to watch TV, she does not want to see the view, she wants to fuck. So pick up where you left off. Start skinning that cat, clothes off and face down ass up! The end scene should be a room that looks like the beginning of a CSI episode, more DNA less blood. ;)

8. The Exit - If you’re in her room, easy. Go for a round 2 then slip on out of there champ. Make sure you got all your shit, cause there a high probability you WILL NOT remember her name or the room number you were just in. If she’s in your room,  look at your phone and say “My mates are coming, can we hook up tomorrow? give my your number” then go take a shower and rinse that sexing off you.

9. NEVER REPEAT! No matter how great last nights sexing was, never ever hook up with the same bird as the last night. I know it seems easy, it’s not. The sex will be 1/2 as good (unless it’s her and her friend)

10. The Threesome. The only way to pull this one off without paying for it, is drugs or girls who are sharing a room. It’s honestly as simple as that. Threesome’s don’t just magically happen like they do in the pornos.

So you’ve got the facts, don’t be stupid and follow these simple steps and you’ll cum again and again to Vegas.

There’s this perception that women want men’s junk to look like lady parts.

We don’t need those creepy pervs over at Mythbusters to bust a nut on this one.

Trust me, there is nothing men love more than peeling back a pair of panties to reveal a freshly waxed brazilian situation. It’s delicious, exciting and clean. But the past 2-3 years guys somehow thought that they too needed to wax their man parts. WRONG!

No girl wants Chewbacca in a leg lock a.k.a. over grown pubes, but a man needs to be a man. Trimmed, but not GONE! Women secretly think hairy chests are sexy, some fur on your man parts says I give it rather than take it. Going to the gym, I see way too many guys who wax it! Karate Kid style, news flash you’re lame.Girls have now come to expect that when they hook up with a guy that he’ll have no chest hair. That’s why we need to bring sexy back, sexy hairy chests!

Men need to hit the RESET button on grooming, let your freak flag fly and keep the “grounds” in check, but be a fucking man. Women want a MAN not Lady Man and don’t get me started on Straight guys bleaching their assholes. Be a fucking man.

Girl Codes Cracked!

1. When a girl asks for “The Grand Tour” it really means “Take me to your room and Fuck me”
2. When a girl says “I’ve been crazy busy” it really means “I’ve been fucking other guys and not calling you back”
3. When a girl TXTs “You up?” it really means “You up for some sex? 
4. When a girl says “I love it all!” in regards to sex stuff it really means “Anything but butt stuff”
5. When a girl says “I’m out of commission for a few days” that’s code for “It’s my time of the month”
6. When a girl says “I think I’m falling for you” that really means “I’ve told my mom to start planning a wedding”
7. When a girl says “You’re my friend” you are in the friend zone for life, and you will never ever fuck that girl…..ever.

Lastly this is a photo of my Someday Wife, pretty much sums up everything I want

I get it, you hate your job. It sucks. Your boss is a turd, your co workers are more annoying than a 4 year old describing thier silly bands. You spend your days on the internet’s gutter A.K.A. Craigslist looking for a new job, then eventually ‘that’ sassy section. By 4:30 you’ve gone to Starbucks 4 times, updated Facebook 9 times, LIKED 14 youtube videos, and are doing a price comparison on Amazon Prime for a length of rope to hang yourself.

You’re thinking of radical alternatives to your shitty situation. “I can bake amazing cupcakes”. No fucking shit, anyone can. Hell 6 year old’s bake them all time, unless your cupcakes have weed in them quitting your job for this magical bakery is stupid idea. So just stop…

Step 1. Find a new job, or slug it out. Bosses are born assholes, they push work on you so they can sit in their office’s masturbating to Bukkake porn. It’s a fact you can Wikipedia it or even Ask Jeeves.

So in conclusion, go to the gym. Workout more, get a hot body wear slutty stuff so guys will like you. Then once you have a boyfriend, bake him cupcakes, then eat them off him.

- Klassy

Hey Fuckers,

Was thinking about how much internet hand humping that is going on these days. People are all on Facebook, Twitter, all flirting and posting about how ‘horny’ they are.

The Internet is Killing your Game:

Too many guys and girls are not actually going out and talking in a human way, last time I checked with my scientist (on staff 24/6 at Klassy HQ) a guy must still have a REAL girl to have actual sex. Too many times guys & girls are flirting all night on Social Net’s vs. actually going out and getting laizd. By the end of the night they’re on xTube knocking one out, thank goodness granny sewed you that nice dream Catcher, eh?. (SNAPKIN!)

Girls and their Machinery:
Girls I know how goooooooooooooooood vibrators feel, and no guy is going to be able to move his tongue at 1000 licks a minute (ok minus Gene Simmons but gross)

Putting up a slutty tit pic on Twitter / FB is going to get you attention for sure. But trust me when I say you put on that same top and go to a bar with the same slutty confidence you have behind the screen, and be open to some hot sex vs. putting up the “Go to bitchy wall” I’m telling you, you’ll get laid. So save the machinery for a lazy afternoon and put on a skin tight dress with some ‘Side Boob’ and get laidGuys love sluts! If you are keeping score at home (Sluts always win all the time) -Be Smart Use a Condom

Guys Stop Touching yourself!

Your long arm of the LAW needs a break from time to time. Unless you’re 18 (you’re not!) you can’t cum 9 times a day. Save some spunk for your slam dunk! Girls are way better than internet porn and trust me no detergent can get man juice out of your socks . -SHOUT IT OUT!

Want the crazy shit you see on Porn sites, ASK HER! Don’t be afraid to just ask a woman what turns her on, it might get weird but fuck it….whatever get’s her off and you off! Also, when you go to a girl who’s dressed SUPER SEXY she’s spent so much time doing her makeup, hair, nails, and outfit. Don’t be a dick, women love Confidence but not ASSHOLES. Theirs a HUGE difference. (also, don’t go out in Flip Flops…be a fucking man and wear real shoes)

So perhaps start a SASSY conversation with a girl on a Social Network, then break it out in the real world. People as part of their Animal DNA want to have SEXY TIMES with fun sexy people. So turn the computer, mobile, and porn off and get into someone’s pants…..For realizies…

-Klassy

I’m at the age where a lot of my mates are making the biggest mistake of their lives. Marriage AKA A Funeral for your DICK.

Ugh! Listen I get it, ok? Sunday nights suck, you’re alone on the couch and there is FUCK all to watch on TV. So you TXT that girl…you’re well on your way mate to killing your dick.

Women are set up in their DNA to crave interpersonal connections, where as men are programmed to avoid them. You have to think about the Cave man times (I often do) or Carnival Cruise ships, men are geared to drink and dance up next to as many different women as they can.

The Average looking guy conundrum. He is always saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” but not for this sad chap. He’s the average looking guy who has really good looking guy friends. He goes out with them and sees these charming blokes pulling delicious birds like a Bengal tiger. He can’t understand why he can’t close the deal on these 9’s and 10’s. He needs to understand dating math. He’s a 6 and unless you are paying for it, you can only legitmatly get +2 your number.

For example. If you are a 6 you can only ever get an 8 (serious booze helps) The Average guy gets frustrated by his mates swimming in a sea of coochie while he get’s the fat friends, and gatekeepers (the one sober chick who minds the bird cage making sure drunk friends don’t go home with guys like Klassy) This poor sad chap meets a girl that is pretty enough and she begins to play to his weaknesses. “You’ll never find a girl that loves you like I do” she’s cool as a cucumber leading into the start of the relationship…”sure go out with your friends, I’ll be here waiting in your bed when you come home”

That seems amazing right? Wrong! It’s a trap, she’s there to make sure you don’t bang some sassy trim. Then slowly she’ll start saying things like “Your friends aren’t as smart as you are, they have to go get drunk to have a good time…let’s stay in unless you’d rather be with your mates than me”

The Trap. There! She said it….”Let’s stay in” this is the warning sign. Your dick is about to die a slow painful death. Over the coming months she’ll covertly move all her shit in to your flat. Like a Navy Seal it’s slow, precise and methodical. Your dick now has about 2-3 months of life left in it.

The BOMB. The next move is “I was offered a job (insert place far enough away that it makes you think) in Japan, unless there was a reason for me to stay here…” WARNING! There is no JOB it’s a trap. Then just like that the average guy, says “What if we got married?” She bats her eyes and then a banner drops on an Aircraft Carrier somewhere that reads “Mission Accomplished” just like that your dick is done for.

The Wedding planning will make your dick shrink back in side you so far that when you look at it, you’ll think it’s just a giant clit for your MAN PUSSY.

In Conclusion, don’t invite me to your Wedding, I don’t want to celebrate the death of your dick. Plus, I’ll drink too much, give a toast about the time you fucked a PRO in Mexico with no condom, and I will for sure fuck a granny.

The moral of this story is….guys need lots of different kinds of pussy, many sets of tits, and constant sassy new adventures. Married guys watch more internet porn and spend Jimmy’s College fund on sweet young trim…it’s a fact. So save yourself the headache, bang heaps of box, and have “open relationships” with strong amazing women.

-Klassy